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1) Don’t.2) If you must drive, take a driving course first. NOTE: There are no driving courses. The instructors are all dead or institutionalized.
3) HINT: Go to IKEA. Obtain a four-wheeled shopping cart. Fill it with random items, the heavier the better. Once your cart is full, start pushing in front of you as fast as you can. Stay to the right in general but pass whenever possible. Arrows on the floor are only suggestions. Be prepared to stop suddenly and often. If you need to back up, do so at top speed. Say “Pardon” a lot. If stopped for more than a few seconds, pretend to honk, then start insinuating your cart centimeter by centimeter between other carts and pedestrians. Remember the centimeter rule: If there is a centimeter between you and the person ahead, fill it with your cart. Left side or right side, it does not matter. Or, leave the main aisle altogether and venture into a side aisle. Once free, immediately accelerate to maximum speed. For maximum effect, pretend you are talking on a cell phone.
4) If you plan to drive a motorcycle or moped, use a two-wheeled cart pushed in front of you. Stick to right and frequently graze the merchandise. Use side aisles a lot. When turning, wobble a lot.
5) If you plan to drive a truck, get the largest cart you can find then put something on it that sticks out over the back. Pull it behind you slowly using one hand. Pretend to smoke. Stay in the middle of the aisle at all times no matter how many people pass you on the right. Periodically spill your cargo. Stop immediately in the middle of the aisle and reload very slowly. In side aisles, get stuck. For maximum effect, bathe infrequently and grow lots of hair on your forearms.
